Furry Little Problem
by Peculiarity
Summary: There's something funny about that Lupin kid. But when a few nosy Slytherins apprehend him about it, a snarky Remus Lupin doesn't quite give them the answers they expect. Oneshot.


He was alone, for once, though he didn't look any bit uncomfortable sitting by himself as he did with his friends. Rather small and slight, no one took much notice of him as he pored studiously over his book, nor did he pay any attention to anyone else. No, he was busily catching up with his reading, which he had neglected while James and Sirius were busy getting themselves into trouble. Again. So he kept his exasperation to himself, though reasonably relieved that he had managed to escape McGonagall's eye at just the right moment. His dark eyes flicked like a typewriter across the words on the page, while he absently nibbled on the apple he cupped in his hands for breakfast.

Remus wasn't alone for long; only a few minutes had passed since he had opened the covers of his book when he saw three people approaching him: looking haughty and full of swagger, they marched towards him with the air of meaning, and they were definitely not James and Sirius. They certainly weren't easy to miss, though he kept his eyes down, taking care to pretend he had not noticed them.

When they sat down across the table from him, he acted as though he were speaking to James and Sirius. "Next time you decide to put doxy droppings in the food, won't you _please _skip over something I can actually eat? Honestly, I'm going to be hungry in Transfiguration because all I've had to eat is this apple, and you wouldn't believe how close I was to taking some breakfast before I remembered what you'd put in it —"

One of the boys whispered, "You don't think they actually put stuff in—"

Remus jerked his head up, his owlish eyes widening in feigned surprise. Sure enough, three rather nasty-looking Slytherins were huddled across the table from him. Snape was easy to recognize, as were Avery and Mulciber. "Oh," Remus mused coolly. "You must have the wrong table. I'm afraid the loser area is over there, by the Slytherin table."

None of them appeared very amused. "All right, Lupin, here's the thing." Snape, who seemed to be the ringleader of the little group, leaned forward over the table in a businesslike fashion. "There's something awfully funny about you."

Remus returned Snape's cold black stare with a casual glance of his own. "What a coincidence. I'd say the same about you." He coughed softly and added as an aside, "But my mother always told me looks aren't everything."

"What did you say?" snapped Mulciber, to Snape's right, though it sounded less of a threat than genuine confusion as to what he had meant.

"I _said, _that you're funny, but looks aren't everything." At the blank sstare he recieved, he elaborated slowly, "You're funny, but looks aren't everything. Which means you're funny looking. Which means people laugh when they see you." He shrugged and casually took a bite of his apple.

"That's not what I meant, Lupin," Snape muttered acidly.

Nodding amiably, Remus adopted another look of surprise. "Oh, then I suppose I'm flattered. I mean, I try, but James and Sirius are the ones who usually take the credit for our pranks. But I try not to get into trouble, you see, and I guess I'm a little more stealthy than they are, wouldn't you agree? But if you think _I'm _funny..."

Snape made a scathing, impatient noise in his throat. "_No,_" he grumbled, "I'm saying there's something strange about you."

Remus let his eyebrows knit together, the corners of his mouth turn down. "Well, I suppose we can't all be perfect, but if you're here just to tell me one of my ears is slightly bigger than the other —"

"_No_! That's _not _what I meant!" Snape looked on the verge of foaming at the mouth. "Where were you last Friday?"

Knowing full well exactly what he had disappeared for on Friday, Lupin cocked his head to the side, staring into space in thought. "Well, when I woke up that morning, I went to the lavatory, like I always do. But the thing is, it smelled _awful _when I went in. I think Peter must have had too many chocolate frogs or something, and he probably forgot to flush _again. _But anyways, I didn't even make it because someone had left a pair of boxers right there in the middle of the floor, red with golden Snitches patterned all over it. And I figured it was James's, because he's crazy about Quidditch and all, but now that I think about it, it was a little big, but anyways, at that moment a fifth-year came in — I think he had a little too much butterbeer that he'd smuggled from Hogsmeade — and he said to me—"

"Will you shut up!" snarled Avery, whose irritated expression matched Snape's exactly. "Just answer the question!"

"I thought I did," Remus answered, absently flicking a page turn in his book. "I told you, when I woke up that morning, I went to the—"

Snape made another weird noise, this one halfway between a frustrated snarl and a cough. "Never mind, never mind," he muttered. Pinning his charcoal-black gaze on Remus's face, he growled, "What's this about your 'furry little problem'? And we already know it has nothing to do with a rabbit."

Remus carefully arranged his expression to that of dread and amazement. "How did you find out?" he gasped in feigned surprise. "Because—"

"Ha! That's right, we've figured it out." Eyes glittering triumphantly, Snape snickered, while Mulciber and Avery looked at each other in confusion.

"— I was wondering how you'd found out, because I'd never told anyone I have hair on my—"

Snape's triumphant expression instantly melted into that of horror in about half a second. "That's not what I meant!" he shouted.

"Mr. Snape, what on earth is going on here?" McGonagall, with her always timely appearances, regarded them coldly from behind her spectacles. "I'm afraid your volume of voice is carrying much further than Mr. Lupin's ears, and you must be at the wrong table."

Looking abashed, Snape's gaze flickered from McGonagall to Remus and back. "Er... everything's fine, Professor," he reasoned, "we were just... going." With a death glare in Remus's direction, the three Slytherins glided away, muttering suspiciously amongst themselves.

McGonagall peered concernedly in Remus's direction. "Are you all right, Mr. Lupin? I have a feeling that wasn't a typical friendly conversation."

"It's no problem, Professor. I had it all under control."

"I see." With a look that made Remus wonder just how much she had heard of their conversation, she turned and walked away, leaving him alone.

Shrugging disinterestedly, Remus flipped another page in his book, nonchalantly immersing himself back in the text. But he couldn't hold in a devious smile; too bad James and Sirius weren't there to see it.


End file.
